I'm so sick of being alone all the time! I'm so sick of never having someone there when I need someone. I'm tired of being the only one who nothing comes easily to.
I'm tired of putting my faith in the fact that if I do good then good will come to me. I'm tired of being loving and caring and patient with people only to receive frustration, impatience, anger and nastiness in return.
I'm tired of believing that love will find me when all it does is swerve to avoid me. I can give as much love out as I want but it never comes back. I'm never loved by anyone.
And I love the fact that I can say absolutely anything on here because I KNOW nobody reads it. It's great! I could probably bash every single person I know and it would remain in complete secrecy. Isn't the internet grand? Not that I write in here for the sole purpose of someone reading it. I write in here to vent mostly.
Tonight I went to the movies by myself. It's what I'm reduced to and I guess I might as well start getting used to it now. I mean it's obviously my fate that is closing in even faster. It doesn't matter how much I want something my friends never ever give a little and say, "Ok, well I don't want to see that but I'll go with you because you really want to go."
I do that ALL the time but NO ONE will EVER do that for me in return. And since this is MY forum I can say that. I can say whatever I damn well please.
I can say that I give up on everything and everyone. I QUIT. I don't really have a life to live so to hell with it all.
Last night I had a dream in which I told Jason that if I was going to kill myself he wouldn't know about it till it had already happened. Gee I wonder what my subconscious is telling me there? Must be what Russ once said was 'the post-it note' on my brain rearing it's ugly head again.
1 comment:
Wow, sounds exactly like my story.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of misdeed I must have done to never receive. But hopefully at some point the goodness put out will indeed bring the good back.
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